I hope one day, I’ll be brave enough to share this with you in your time of need as a new mother to a raging toddler like I am right now. You guessed it, girlfriend. This letter is to you for 20-some years down the road and also about you being the spawn of Satan lately. Right now, your father and I are having the hardest time figuring out how to deal with your tantrums. You bash your head into the floor, you bite me or yourself, and “NOOOOO” is your favorite word at the moment. I’m honestly in tears because I feel like I am the reason you’ve turned out this way so far. I’m with you 85% of the time, but I’d say that 70% of that, you are my smart, happy, energetic, and sweet girl. That other 15% is a kid I’d have no problem putting up for adoption. I know your biggest triggers are hunger and being tired, but I can’t prevent you from feeling those things all of the time.
Let’s be honest, the tired part was all on you today because you refused to nap. I’m fairly certain our downstairs neighbors think we may be beating you because of the head bashing and then blood curling cries that happen right after. I know you do it for empathy from me too, so I’ve had to just shut your door and walk away. It absolutely kills me to see you hurt yourself. I’m starting to Google if you have a behavioral or psychiatric problem. I’m wondering if putting you in your crib at 6 months old has caused some kind of long-term damage to your emotional well-being. I don’t know any answers. I’m probably overthinking this. Every one says it’s just terrible twos. I can’t help but to look back at my parenting decisions to figure out if this behavior is my fault. I know that letting you work it out in your room until you quiet down has worked best. I know getting you food (that you actually enjoy) helps a little bit too. I try not to give in to your every demand at every turn because realistically, life doesn’t work that way. You’ll be hungry, you’ll be tired, and you’ll be mad at people. That’s life. I really don’t know how to help you and that hurts just as much as seeing you hit your head on the floor amidst your rage.
I am trying to see the bright side of how strong-willed you are. Maybe that means you’ll perservere in any situation…or maybe it means you’ll be a serial killer. I have no clue what these awful tantrums mean in terms of shaping your personality and it scares me. The internet is scaring me. WebMD claims you may already be depressed. I’m about to just cancel our internet service for the sake of my sanity. I’m telling myself that this phase will pass just like your hitting phase, but damn kid. I’m just so emotionally drained from your big emotions. I’m trying like hell to be the adult you need me to be when you are overwhelmed and it’s really hard. I honestly don’t even want any advice or comments from other parents because I’ve probably read it ALL.
You are a unique kid with your own unique thought processes. I just wish you could see how much love we have for you. I pray all of these big emotions turn into things like mental and emotional strength, a fiery spirit, and an extreme zest for life. I am praying this is just what it means to have a toddler in their terrible twos. I pray for even more patience. I pray your little mind learns to be still and work out your big emotions. I pray that I realize that the hour or so that you may rage once a week becomes a drop in the ocean and I focus on how most of the time you are well-behaved. I love you so much, Norah. But girl, cut your dad and me some slack. And make a lot of money as an adult to throw us a bone for not selling you on the black market. That option was definitely put on the table.